He has no money in his bank account right now. I am taking a big risk, it feels like a big risk, to be the one dipping into my own bank account to pay for us right now. I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I am supporting him. He’s planning on selling his house in the next few weeks and we’re (yes, I say we’re) supposed to earn 500 thousand dollars from the transaction. So I keep on trying to rationalize what I am doing. I’ve never done this before. The thing closest to this was putting a vacation to Hawaii on my credit card when my last beau wasn’t able to afford the trip- and I really wanted us to go. I don’t want this to be a pattern. I don’t want to feel like I am paying for my companionship. What a fucking hefty price.
I am definitely caught up in money. My folks do this exact same dance and I am really starting to understand my mother and what I use to label annoying and foolish behavior. It’s so fucking hard to be in relationship and I wonder more often than not these days, what’s the point?
I mean it makes sense to want to have a partner. To have someone I can have regular sex with...To feel like I am not alone in the world. But really, in this moment, I could do without the sex. I’ve got a huge pink vibrator. I’m not afraid to use it these days. I don’t think I am afraid to be in the world by myself these days- it’s not like it will be forever. I don’t feel desperate although, the baby bug bites me more often than it use to.
Why am I so caught up in the money fiasco? Why, when I have over 30 thousand in cash in my accounts, am I freaked out that this man needs my support for a months time…at which point, he’ll have a half a million bucks which I’ll have access to. I guess, I don’t believe that I’ll truly have access to it. I fear that we’ll use up all my money and then he’ll run off (it doesn’t even bother me that he’ll run off with another woman) it’s that he’ll run off after spending all my hard earned money and I’ll be left to deal with the embarrassment of being a fool…again, of not having any money and of having to work my ass off in a job I won’t really love.
So when we try to talk about it, we end up not really talking about it because either I get really frustrated or he zones out. What am I doing wrong. I keep trying to make him feel bad for ‘putting us in this position’, but if I am honest with myself, he’s not putting us in any position. I am. If I wanted to walk away, I would. Truth be told, I don’t want to. And I hate that that’s where I stand on this subject.
I totally feel like my mom at times in this relationship. That scares me on so many levels. I’ve wanted to make her wrong for as long as I can remember, and I am starting to understand her immature behavior. I don’t want to be friends with his friends because they do things I don’t agree with. Mom is the same way with dad’s friends…I don’t know if it’s for the same reasons, but there’s a parallel. I don’t want him to be happy if I am not happy. So I won’t go along with what I truly desire because he will have what he wants without having to feel all of what I’ve been feeling. Mom does this exact thing. Holy shit. I am my mom and there’s no way on earth I will tell her that. What would it mean? It’d mean I’d have to give her exactly what she wants too, and I’d have to go through all the embarrassment of having her know I was wrong to judge her…and I know I am wrong.
So…right now, I am exhausted. I don’t really know where to go with all this. So I leave it here…in the pasture of the miserable old cow.
Toodles.
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