trying to kill myself with food.
not only am i sick as hell of this swollen, stupid, rotund body, i am
sick as hell of being sick! should i just face the facts that i will
never have that body i dream od? that i am just not strong enough to
do what it takes to get there? and how would i even begin to accept
something that is so unacceptable? i can not even look at myself in the
mirror, how can i begin to dream of living every day? cause i haven't
been living. i have been surviving from one day to the next in
sweatpants and baggy tshirts! i sabbotage everything in my life cause i
don't deserve anything- not until i get this fat off my body! i am lazy
and a junk food addict! it is almost like i am trying to kill myself
with food... or is it love myself?at the end of the day i know it has
nothing to do with my body and everything to do with my pain. god how
i envy those with carefree lives. families who love them... is it
really my destiny to have this sad, miserable life? this is what god
wanted? this is my purpose in this world? to die having never lived?
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when he bends me over, I know my ass looks like an elephants.
I hate my body, I hate the person I have become, I can't belivie I have
created such a person. I don't want to have sex with my husband because
when he bends me over I can't help thinking, oh gosh I know my ass
looks like a elephant! How can he get aroused with all that fat and
cellulite looking back at him?!!! I don't even like looking at my own
ass! People use to tell me how beautiful and sexy I am but now I can't
remember the last time a man tried to come on to me...miserable,
miserable.
I just don't understand the more miserable I am the more I want to eat. when will it ever end?
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so what if my ass is a little more plump.
I am ticked off right now..really ticked off! When did we decide as a
society and as women that our size, weight, what our body looks like it
more important than anything else..why have we done this to ourselves?
We constantly beat ourselves up for the way we look,how we should
look..but who is the authority on this and how did they come about in
making these "rules" to control us by..and why do they have the keys
over how we should be?
Shouldn't we be the ones our self to say I am
beautiful the way I am. I don't have to lose weight. My hair color is
gorgeous,etc... It sucks that anytime I think of going after my dream I
get scared and tell myself I am not good enough because of my size and
weight..and it doesn't help matters much that my mother does not
encourage me to stop thinking this way..almost like yes,this is the
truth. Maybe she too has the Crazy Thinking Syndrome so many of us
women have.
I feel horrible for my younger sister. My mom puts so much
pressure on her because of her beauty and because she has been sick and
gained a few pounds(and meanwhile my sister isn't bothered this) my
mother beats her up and down about this and than makes her feel worse
about herself.
WHY WHY WHY!!!!
They wonder why so many girls have
eating disorders,cut themselves, we are starving ourselves..of
self-love, empowerment,knowledge and being shunned by control. I can't
even tell you how worried I am about relatives and close friends seeing
how much weight I've gained when I should be thinking of how nice it
will be to see them this holiday season..and than getting panic attacks
over OMG what if they see me going for a second round of food or
stuffing..why do I enjoy crucifying myself..yes, my ass had grown
plumper since a few months ago and it could very well be forming it's
own town..but why is physical beauty more important to us than our
inner..makes no sense..
back to the top i just got a true glimpse of my body in dance class last nighti am actually really embarrassed that i thought i looked better than i do. i haven't really been exercising lately because i haven't had the desire. and i am really pissed off that it doesn't matter if i have the desire- my body is gonna get fatter if i keep putting unhealthy food into it without exercising. fuck. it's not fair. who knows what fair is really!
i went to an indian bangra dance class last night, you know the kind of dancing you usually see in bollywood movies. i love it. it's fun. i wore black stretch pants and a tank top. all i could focus on was my body reflection in the mirror. i was horrified. i am not fat. if you saw me on the street, you'd probably think i was in shape. but i'm not. and i am wondering why my eyes saw me as so chubs last night. i felt awkward dancing...that could have added to it. or maybe it's because i've had burritos for the last two days for lunch...by myself...so you know they are bigger than i need to fill me up.
what is it about me and eating? so for pretty much the entire hour of the class, i was looking at my body and saying really horrible things to myself. i was saying how fat my butt looks, i was the only black person in the class and i was wondering if folks were making comments on the black woman's butt. my pouchy stomach is hanging out over my waist and i didn't have the energy to suck it in...it was indian bangra dance class. that took all my energy.
i noticed that although i was disgusted with the way my body looked, i was thinking about food. i wanted to eat. imagine that. that pissed me off even more. shit. i didn't really enjoy the class considering.
so after class, i got in the car and went to safeway and bought yogurt...and chocolate muffins. a pack of 4. i ate one in the car immediately. it tasted so good. i felt a little shitty. but at least i only ate one. i did see a homeless guy as i drove home at a stop light. i thought about giving him the remaining 3. but i didn't. i didn't want to in case i needed them later. fuck.
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my husband constantly reminds me that i am overweight.okay i am over weight out of shape terribe eating habits but i don't need to be constantly reminded by my husband. the looks the comments etc. i can't even feel a moment of happiness without the subject being brought up. i am mad so mad that i won't do anything about it because it looks like i am giving in to him oh i am rambling and stuck in a vicious cirlce. ahhhh
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people use to tell me i was beautiful
People tell me I have a "beautiful face". This will sound pouty and arrogant, but it's anonymous so, I can vent.
They used to say I was beautiful. Period. No qualifying it.
Now I weigh 50 pounds more than I did 6 years ago. I still
have the face, but the body is not beautiful.
I want to be self-loving and embrace all of me. But that
catty, mean-spirited, relentless internal monologue is louder than the
supportive one.
I see other women my size and I think they are beautiful.
Real and curvy and sexy - why can't I see myself that way?
I want to be wholly beautiful again. Is this who I am? Do I
just have to accept it? OR can I regain that former glory?
Argh. I hate this fucking lack of confidence. Now THAT's
ugly. Insecurity is the ugliest, most self-indulgent thing there is.
Moo.
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he says i have cellulitedoes it make any sense that a man would take a look at my size zero
self and point out that i have cellulite and could stand to work on my
six pack? jesus christo! wtf do they want?!
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hell, i'm fat
Hell, I am fat. I am so fat that my clothes don't fit, I mean not a
little tight, those shits don't fit! my ass looks like my mom's! That
is crazy. I am fat, I am lazy and I am not myself. I don't know this
person, who can't get it together to work out, who only wants to lay
around and do nothing who is this fat bitch? I have no idea.
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I've lost 30 pounds and I'm still enormous.
Mmmmmooooooo! I have lost THIRTY, count 'em THIRTY pounds. Was feeling
quite proud of myself. But I recently graduated from law school and
just saw the photos and oh, my sacred cow, I am still enormous. But
cows are supposed to be enormous, right? That's part of their appeal,
right? Sigh. Still, I have a lovely glossy coat and big, liquid eyes.
Moo.
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I'm 48 and have hated my body since high school.
I'm 48, and I'll tell you, even tho I'm the same weight I was in HS,
and my body image is also the same (I've always hated my poor 110 lb
body), things have changed in the last 30 years! They've softened up.
The problem is having no satisfactory love life, I think. That can cure
a panoply of ills, but you know, it isn't always available.
This effort to 'free one's self' is too cramped up!
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