working for the man and wanting a change

I hate my job.  I am so unfulfilled.  I am a pharmaceutical rep & my job is a complete joke.  It is killing me to work for the man.  Corporations can be so greedy & evil.  I want to do something that matters.  I want to downsize my home, meditate more, smile more, fear less & love more.  Any suggestions?  Thanks sooo much for letting me moo!

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Sacrifice is part of the game?

I am the maid of honor at my best friend’s wedding in New York.  Next weekend.  My parents live in Pittsburgh.  I live in San Francisco.  I ask my company if I can work from home for the week leading up to the wedding, so I can see my parents. The tickets are more or less $500.  Which is kinda, like…. a lot of money for me.

My boss wants me in her office first thing in the morning.  That’s slightly worrisome.  “We want you in Boston on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday of next week”.

WHAT? Next week of all weeks?!! WHY!!!

I’ll tell you why. Because it was too expensive to fly me in from San Francisco, but it makes it bearable to fly me in from Pittsburgh.  WTF?

This is how the conversation went with the boss. A woman, I might add.  I feel that her being a woman is particularly poignant b/c women are supposed to be attuned to each other’s emotional states and what not. But but but but.  Check her out.

Boss lady: “a great opportunity came up for you to participate in the meetings in Boston, during the week that you’ll be working remotely from Pittsburgh”
Myself: “really? Wow.”
Boss lady: “would you like to go?”
Myself: “I guess I would”
Boss lady: “you guess you would, or you would?”
Myself: “Oh. I would.  I would like to go.”
Boss lady: “you don’t sound too sure there…”
Myself: “no, I am sure”
Boss lady: “Because we can get somebody else to do it.”
Myself: “No no, I am very sure.  Thank you for offering me the opportunity.  I would love to go”

My poor mother. She expected me to spend all this time with her… take her shopping…. get our nails done together and gossip.  My dad probably was hoping I would cook something.  I have a ton of family, all of whom are going to be disappointed in me.  Oy vey.

But let’s look at the bright side.  I will go and have this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to sit in on a client meeting.  Listen in on important stuff.  TAKE NOTES. Oh yes… that sweet lure of opportunity, I feel it calling to me.  It’s giving me a sexy wink.  It’s saying: “Hey sweetie! Would you like to… take some… notes?  Notes honey, big fat meeting notes? You like that, sugar? Wan some mo'?”

Jeez… where am I going with this whole career thing?  All I got to say is, it better be worth it.  But actually, here is what I’m REALLY worried about: I work for a big, nation-wide, honest-to-goodness consulting firm.  Why the hell are they penny-pinching? It makes me really apprehensive.  Like… for now they are being frugal about my flights.  Is this how they are going to be towards my salary? Towards my bonuses? Towards my employment as a whole? Man! This all makes me very uneasy.  Very.

This is NOT the kind of joint I see myself running one day.

Did I forget to mention that I have to wear a big green bridesmaid’s dress next weekend?  And it fits none too well?


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My Job is doing a job on me.

So...I got this job that I thought would be so amazing and everything...and it's really fucking boring.  My brain is numb.  I'm like, you've got to be kidding me, you pay me to do this?  Anyone could do this.  It's a joke.  I'm 28 years old and my job is a total fucking joke.  And all the things I'd rather be doing are huge and impossible.  I have no motivation right now.  Because my stupid-ass job is just...sucking my energy.  The boredom is seriously killing me.  I feel like, what's the point of life?  What's the point of waxing my legs?  Buying a sweater?  Going out?  What would be the point of doing anything?  I still have to return to my retarded job on Monday.  So who cares?  FUCK!

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6th graders suck.

6th graders suck...sometimes. why don't they do their homework and why does life have to be so fucked up for some people at such a young age? how do we pick our paths in life? do we choose them? are they chosen for us? when it comes down to it, i know that 6th graders suck because they just do. it's a funky time of life and changes are everywhere. it doesn't help that your dad just got out of prison, you read at a pre-kindergarten level, and you have a stealing problem. man, life can suck sometimes. it just sucks even more when it sucks for an 11-year old who you know will probably be incarcerated by the time he's 16. 5 more years to live. better get living.

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qualified to do things most people can't, but not certified.

Right now I have no career, I wonder what I will do with my future?  I have my doctorate, how much more education can you possibly need?  I have many talents, I could do anything, but I love my chosen profession, I have achieved a dream I've had forever.  But what now? I am out of work, took time off, truthfully I was made to take the time off.  I never would have done it volunteerily.  That would put me behind.  Hell, I am already behind, I didn't have my first child until I was 29 and I started graduate school at 27.  I knew my career choice would take a long time to achieve, but I thought I would have it all... a family and my career.  I didn't want to compromise anything.  But the truth is, you always have to compromise.  I just hope I didn't make the wrong compromises, especially where my children are concerned.  Okay, about my career.  Taking time off at this juncture is not really done in my profession.  I am in a state of limbo...not a fun place. Qualified to do things most people can't but not certified.  This is crazy. I need to make money, my family needs me to make money and I need to make money so I can feel better about myself and my situation.  I feel low, bad and disgusted with myself. I am the first to go to college in my family and for what? I have all this education and no job. NO JOB!  No means to make ends meet.  Now my ends are dangling.  Begging for help, asking for help, really wishing everyone would stop offering help. I can't get by without their help.  Embarrassed as all of my friends are living their lives going on vacation taking their kids on trips I have always dreamed about.  When will I have those means?  When will a trip to Disneyworld be only a credit card away?  I don't know. I don't know if it ever will happen. I hope and i pray that it does, i really do.

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i quit a soul destroying job...now what

I swing from misery to elation.  I'm not working.  I don't want to work. I just quit a soul destroying job I was stuck in for five years.  Five years of my life.  That's a long time.  I have no idea what to do now so I'm lying in bed a lot.  We've got it all wrong, you know.  Why have humans decided to make the world like this? Can't we all just sit about, grow our own food and weave baskets and sing songs?  Life is about more than status.  There's so much pressure.  Bring on the revolution!  I suppose all I can do it play my part and refuse to give in to the misery, carve myself out some happiness.

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i can't make myself get motivated to work

I feel like shit.  My friend down in L.A. just called me to tell me he got an acting job that’s gonna pay him like $50 grand.  Holy shit.  I am sitting here kicking myself because I’ve spent the day watching ‘Friends’ reruns and stuffing myself with cheese and guacamole. Just because I was too lazy to do anything else.  Why can’t I help myself?  I have the opportunity to sing overseas next year and I am so not excited about it.  I feel like that’s just gonna buy me more time to ‘not do anything beneficial for my career’.  Fuck. Who wants to be singing for businessmen in a country where I don’t speak the language for just decent money?  It’s like money is the one thing that I can use to convince me to do thing I don’t necessarily enjoy doing…but not even the money is sufficient for me to feel like ‘fuck yeah, I have to do this’.

I was on such a high just last week with life, with people, with trusting that my career is on the right path. But today!  Fuck.  I can’t seem to be excited about anything about my career.  I feel like I am making huge mistakes. Not trusting myself enough to give myself the shot.  I want to be putting myself out in the world, I want to land a pilot this coming season and there’s no way I am gonna be able to do that if I don’t give myself a shot at it.  Seriously.  How long have I been ‘buying time’ so that I can stay in self disappointment and feel shitty about myself, but not feel like I really am risking.

I really do want to risk.  That’s the only way life moves us forward…if we’re willing to play at 100%.  AND THE GOD HONEST TRUTH IS THAT I HAVE YET TO GIVE MYSELF A SHOT.  GIVE MYSELF A REAL OPPORTUNITY.  I am like the sabotage master.  I disguise it from others, but I know all the while, that I am hurting myself.  Fuck!  Why.  I am 32 years old and still fucking around.  When is this gonna end?  Do I just say, ‘Fuck it.  It’s over?’  yes.

That’s all I have to say.  It’s the idea of telling people I think I am good enough to be in a movie and I think I am good enough to be in your t.v. show.  What makes me think that?:  fuck the what.  Lets stick with ‘what is’ and that’s that I feel like I deserve to be in your t.v. show and I deserve to have my dreams come true and I deserve to feel comfortable in my skin because it’s my fucking skin.  God gave it to me when I popped out of my mom’s pussy and that’s it.  It’s mine.  I inherited the right to do whatever the fuck I like when I came out.  End of story.  

So stop sitting around eating cheese and watching friends and fucking off your life.  UGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH.  I feel like shit. I feel like crying and I feel like things need to change.

I want to move to Los Angeles.  I want to be a performer. I don’t want to move overseas to earn some ‘decent’ money…I want my attitude to change.  I want, I want, I want.  I want to scream my fucking head off and bitch slap someone really hard…just to feel the sting in my hand and experience their shock!  That’s it’s. I’m fucked off.

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truth be told, i hate my job

mooooooooo!  i have this job that I always say I love.  "I love what I do"  "I love the team I supervise"  blah blah blah-really I hate my job, it's become stale and boring and my boss is a nutjob and I want to just be a mom and a healer and I'm stuck in this crazy ass job because it's what I'm supposed to do and then I feel guilty like I'm slacking at work but really I'm just draggin' and getting by.  mooooo!

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he thinks he holds my future in his hands

Today, I got the official word, my program does not want me to train there any more. They will not offer me a position now or in the foreseeable future!  Fuck you!  I hate people sometimes.  I hate that fake ass language people use when they are screwing you or about to screw you.  It's like they are pretending to be your friend or to have a soul but they are just fake, fake, fake, fuckers.  I feel like this man who appears to hold my future in his hands has never really liked me. I have always felt that he did not understand how I have made it this far with this black skin, with this brain, with this family situation.  How could I have made it this far?  I can see the question on his face. And instead of being wowed by my persistence, my tenacity, my genius, he chooses to hate on me.  I hate him.  I hate his disdain. I AM AS GOOD AS YOU, YOU SORRY FUCK!  I hate this man. I hate all of them, all of the white men who have looked at me the same way and tried to keep me in a "suitable position" beneath them.  But enough about him, this is about my future, my livelihood, my ability to provide for my children. I think that doing my job helps others, I get to influence peoples decisions and change lives.  I love my job.  That asshole cannot take my future away from me or from my children, it is my future, God has planned it for me. The thing that angers me is that he thinks he is in control.  I will show him better than I can tell him. I have had to do this my entire life and why should this be any different?  Obstacles, hell, I have been getting around them my entire life, i am Gail Deavers, i can hurdle with the best of them. Well that is how it seems to me some times.  Hell, i am tired of this shit. When is racism going to end?  Probably when I am dead and gone... I am tired of this shit, this is my future people are playing with. It doesn't matter, I have to remember God is in control, this is His plan and I need to chill.  I need to fight the urge to call that racist fuck and tell him what I think about him.  He doesn't want me, fool, i don't want to be there with you anyway.  I choose to be here with my children.  You think you are stopping me, but you are not. You think you have won, but I will be victorious and I cannot wait to show you. Showing is always better than telling and that is what I plan to do.

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self sabotage.

I am all blocked up and can't seem to open up to my own magnificence. I am sick and feeling old and ugly and hapless and impotent. I generate my vision, tap into it's energy, put it out and then throw up the blocks -- put up the shades -- fooled you! Nobody's home! And guess what? It's my fault that my vision cannot manifest. I am birthing this baby but squeezing in instead of pushing out. I'm holding my crotch so I don't pee when I sneeze out my Grand Vision and Manifestation! It is so funny that it makes my fingers melt and evaporate into this keyboard. And, I'm so mad about it I am grilling neurons in my brain and my heart is in it's own private rave trying to swing and thump out the poisonous plaque of self-sabotage.

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He pushed me out of the profession I love.

Well today I went to sign up to volunteer since I can't get paid for what I do, I might as well do something close to it to help others in need. That is why I got into this business in the first place, right?  Right.  Well, I am going through this cycle of anger, hurt, humiliation and self righteousness.  It is a vicious cycle. First I am angry at my ex boss who basically sabotaged my career.  Today a white woman of all things, explained what I had secretly believed anyway,that I had been a victim of racism, sexism and fear.  As a black woman, I am no stranger to these -isms, but it was shocking to hear a white person talk about them like they really existed. When she said it it was not a sarcastic rebuke of my reality.  She actually felt my pain.  This woman was interesting and I can't wait to talk to her again.  I explained to her that what I hated most was that my ex boss appears to be winning in this situation. He got what he wanted, me out of his precious profession.  She told me that he may have appeared to win, but that at night, when he is all alone, he has to account for all of the wrongs he has committed against others and that is his hell.  Not that I want anyone to suffer, but I do wish him to understand, if not know, my pain.  For so long my career has been my life, how dare he try to steal if from me.  But let's look at the bright side...I learned that my life is much more than my career. I am fulfilled in other areas such as my family, my marriage and myself. I am working towards being the best wife, mother and friend that I can be. I needed a break and he gave it to me. Thank you...I guess. But I still have to fight the urge to do damage to something he cares about.  I am at times filled with rage, hate and loathing for his person. I have no doubt that, I am better off away from that job, but I am hopeful that I can find another job, doing what I love, helping others and making a difference in people's lives.

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i've wasted the past 20 years.

I feel like I've wasted my whole past twenty years working hard and not being appreciated or paid properly. Now I feel old and lost and don't even want to do the work anymore but have no idea what I want to do.

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